It dawned on me this morning that this week is election week. Yes, I hadn’t really twigged until now that we are forty-eight hours away from the closing of polls in an election race that, if you read everything that’s been written in the media, is too close to call, the three party election, whatever nonsense they feel like writing (I say this – it’s blatantly obvious the Conservative Party will win, with comfortably the most seats, and with a tiny majority, I predict).
Anyway, the point is, there are the three main parties – Labour, the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats – and the sideshow parties – the SNP, the BNP, UKIP and the Greens. So, as the election draws, who will Noelinho.org endorse? You’re about to find out. So, here is, in brief, a quick run-down of the minor parties:
- SNP: Nationalists. Don’t like that. Alex Salmond / Nicola Sturgeon – don’t like them either. Their education policy in Scotland has been a disaster. Although they do want to get rid of Trident, which I fully agree with. Unless I can have the red button, and then it’s a different story…
- BNP: Err…Nick Griffin? Oh, ok, I’ll give a better opinion. I’m not a Nazi, I don’t deny the Holocaust, I quite like Jewish people and I don’t have much of an issue with black people either. I’m not really sure what their policies are apart from deporting people they don’t like, but I doubt I would fit their idea of an Aryan anyway…
- UKIP: I quite like their policy of getting out of Europe – I can’t stand the European Union. Having said that, it’s about the only thing I agree on, and they’ve not been purer than pure in the Europeam Parliament either…(although did you see the berating of a poor, war-wounded Belgian Prime Minister? That was good!)
- Greens: Statist, authoritarian eco-chumps. No thanks. On yer bike, preferably off the cliff.
Oh well, that’s four parties down, so we’re half way through! So, the major parties, in a little more depth:
- Labour: Leader isn’t wonderful, but probably the best of the three main party leaders. Like him or not, he does carry gravitas, especially in the international community, and he definitely has a better grasp of what he wants to achieve and how to achieve it – whether you agree with that plan or not. On the other side of the coin, he is volatile and comes across as detached from the people. Labour’s team, as a whole, is the most impressive. They have done a lot through the tax credits system to try and redistribute wealth and have invested heavily in the NHS with fantastic results. Yet, at the same time, civil liberties have been slowly eroded, power has seeped to the European Union and equalities legislation has turned almost into creating thought crime.
- Conservatives: Would you trust a front bench of Cameron, Fox, Osbourne and Eric Pickles? Me neither. I wouldn’t trust Pickles with a pie, let alone the country. The party also wants to encourage / reward / bribe people into marriage. Not with my money, thanks. Whatever they like to say, they are authoritarian. They want to renew Trident, wasting more money, and like to tell us at every opportunity that Britain is wrecked / burnt to a crisp / broken / about to be swallowed up into middle Earth unless we vote for Dave and Dave only. I’d rather take the risk. Oh yeah, and “hug a hoodie”?
- Liberal Democrats: Ah, led by the petulant schoolboy. How many Liberal Democrats would have any clue how to govern? Two, perhaps? I’m counting Charles Kennedy and Chris Huhne, if you’re wondering… See, I thought Liberal Democrats were meant to be Liberal in ideology, but apparently they aren’t. They have thrown their own weight behind thought crime legislation too. All rather illiberal. Still, they are against Trident, but they seem to want to spend the budget twice over. They do want to raise the Personal Tax Allowance to £10,000 though, which would be a great move. Aside from this, they have little to offer, other than amusement when their volunteers get arrested for breaking the law, or for when Nick Clegg says he’ll be Primer Minister, or that the Liberal Democrats will hold the balance of power. They won’t.
So, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…who is Noelinho.org endorsing in this election? Well, after much consideration, angst and heated debate amongst the editorial team (with a few others chipping in), we (I) have decided that it is indeed time for change. Radical change. Change that puts a real smile on your face – and there’s only one party than can do that. The Monster Raving Loony William Hill Party. Why? Here are the policies that did it for me:
- It is proposed that The European Union end its discrimination by creating a “Court of Human Lefts” because their present policy is one- sided – that got the left-handed vote!
- Make it illegal for super heroes to use their powers for evil (sensible, no?);
- Ban tractors from driving on roads, they can drive across their fields (why has no-one ever done this?);
- Sell shares in Northen rock, buy shares in Blackpool rock – it must be worth more!
- The Loch Ness Monster should be added to the endangered species list;
- Everyone in England should buy one hundred square meters (or be subsidized to do so) of France. The English would then own France, saving a lot of arguments, and winning us another UN veto… After owning France, It is proposed that we should rent it back to the French.
My support is not total, for there are some less well-thought policies, such as:
- It is proposed that the Isle of Man be renamed to “The Isle of Men, Women, Children and some Animals” as not just men live there (equalities legislation gone too far);
- The Isle of Wight should be changed to: “The Isle of Mixed Races, and Cultures Located off the Coast of Britain” (for the same reason);
- Government Whips will only be used if a politician has been really bad. Minor offences should receive the political slipper (Parliament is already in enough disrepute);
- Cricket will be made more interesting by eliminating the use of padding. (and possibly cricket bats) – err, leave my sport alone!
Still, these minor quibbles aside, Noelinho.org does believe that The Monster Raving Loony William Hill Party does present the best vision for Britain.
Unfortunately, they are only standing in twenty-seven seats, though it could be twenty-eight next time around…